What does it feel like to beat cancer?

What does it feel like to beat cancer? That is a question I ask myself and expect to be asked at some point. The answer is complex.

First, I am grateful. Grateful to be alive. Grateful for the medical support I received. Grateful for family and friends who supported me. Beating cancer is a Team effort and I am grateful for that time.

I work hard to avoid thinking about the question of “why did I live but others did not.” I have been around and known many who had a different outcome. When this question sneaks into my head, I try and tune it out. There is really no great answer for it. Also, I am trying to avoid survivor’s guilt. Feeling guilty for living when others did not. So, I tell myself to be grateful that I lived and not dwell on why or why others did not. Many believe my positive attitude has saved me, but that is not true. I have known many with a better attitude who have not survived.

I also live in a constant state of fear. Fear about it coming back. For my cancer, I know it will come back. For cancer patients who are “cured,” this thought will still be something that you think about it. You may not ponder it every day –but you will think about it. You are on hyper alert mode for anything about your body that does not feel quite right. Any ache or pain or change in appearance –and you think– “do I have cancer again? Do I have a second or third cancer caused by my other cancer or its treatments?”

I am also in a constant state of fear about getting sick. A cold, the flu, food poisoning, anything, I know any of those things could kill me. Thus, I have become a germaphobe. As mine is a cancer of the immune system and chemo beats down my immune system for minimally a year after chemo, I work extra hard on not getting sick. This prevents me from doing certain things, like working at the homeless shelter, going to busy concerts, and much, much more. But it is a tradeoff I have to make.

Beating cancer also makes me more appreciative of the small things in life that make me happy. It is with 100% certainty that cancer has changed my priorities. I now try to spend my time on my priorities versus others priorities. I have learned how to say no more often to requests for my time.

I also feel sad sometimes. Sad for me, for the pain and suffering I have gone through. For the events that I have missed due to the cancer. I feel sad for my family, who deal with the emotional and mental strain of it, in addition, to living a very different life than many of their friends.

I also get tired of the fight sometimes. There are moments when I have to remind myself again why I fight. Why to fight. I do, and I get back on track, but that happens more often than I would like.

I struggle with being called a survivor. Cancer veteran makes more sense for me. But the world calls us survivors, so survivor it is. But, it bothers me a bit. Because I get celebrated for surviving, when others did not. And it was not their fault they did not survive. It is just the way the ball bounces. It is not because they did not fight hard enough. Did not have a good attitude. Sometimes, cancer just kills. So don’t forget to celebrate those who did not survive, too.